Are you an Over-Giver?

Here Are Some Liberating Spiritual Truths

For Your Mastery, Joy, and Purpose

Beyond Setting Boundaries and Life Balance ...

There’s a lot of information written about life balance, setting boundaries, and the consequences of over-giving. If you’re someone who tends to give a lot to others, do you enjoy what you’re doing, or … do you sometimes wonder what you were thinking when you said yes? Do you give to yourself equally, or even more than you give to others? And how comfortable are you asking for and receiving support for yourself?

Do you feel like you have to do it all yourself?

As a culture, we can take great pride in being self-reliant. I started working at 11, and worked full-time through high school, college, pregnancy, sick parents, and well beyond. So, I know a lot about being self-reliant at a very young age. And although we gain amazing insights, skills, and more gifts than we can count from these experiences, there are also some downsides to thinking that we have to “do it all ourselves” — like burnout, exhaustion, and not allowing yourself to be supported.

Here are some deeper questions to ask yourself if you tend to over-give: What’s really behind all of the committing and doing? And if you feel like you’re doing a lot of sacrificing, what are you surrendering that you value? Why are you making that a low priority? And if you don’t like asking for help, have you asked yourself why? And how about asking yourself; what is it I really want to do with my precious days? These are all great journaling prompts, by the way.

Back to Giving and Receiving

Giving and receiving well are not about keeping score on some cosmic spiritual balance sheet. You don’t get a bunch of points for over-giving. And it’s not about tracking who gives more than the other in our relationships. That’s a recipe for big disappointments, and transactional relating. That’s when you just go through the motions, and do what you think you’re supposed to do. And if we do this, we lose the intimacy and deeper reasons for partnering with others, which is, the joy and growth that comes from being with, and sharing life with someone you love.

So, here’s a deep spiritual truth that isn’t always easy to hear. But, boy is it liberating when you get it.

Over-giving isn’t really about the other person, even though it sometimes feels like it is.

So, what’s it about then?

If you’re an over-giver, it’s about why you’re giving. Like anything else, it can be a habit. And this one almost always starts when you’re really young. It’s most likely a trained response, that was born out of an attempt to keep a parent, or parents happy. If you happened to have a demanding, highly reactive parent, this is often how children cope with that … by trying to please them, and soothe them by being “good”, implying of course, that you are not . This can grow into people-pleasing. And even if that wasn’t your experience in your childhood home, many children come to believe that it’s their job to make their parents happy and proud. And it’s not your job, by the way … it’s their job!

So, over-giving and over-responsibility often go hand-in-hand. This means that you’re taking on the responsibility for how other people feel. Something you cannot do for anyone, no matter how loving, caring, or “good” you are! And no one can do that for you either.

What You Probably Already Know

Taking the tendency for people-pleasing, soothing others, and “doing it all yourself” into adulthood is not sustainable. And it’s not soul-supported either. Why? Because one of your most fundamental purposes for being here in a human body, is to express yourself as an individual.

And you can’t do that — if you’re busy anticipating and supporting everyone else’s needs. That’s why many clients, especially women, who first come to work with me, very often can’t answer the question … what do YOU want? This is understandable, because if you’ve been over-giving for a long time, your focus has been on what other people want and need, rather than your own desires. Top that off with how some traditions glorify being “selfless”, it’s no wonder that we’ve been trained to think that being a “good” girl or boy, means sacrificing ourselves, and pleasing others.

But how can you be a fully realized SELF, if you’re being “selfless”? It is not sustainable because you are here to be a SELF. And not just any self, but a happy, fully expressed, thriving, glorious individual! And to do that, you need to discover what it is you truly want, and who YOU are most called to be. That’s not possible — if you’re always trying to anticipate and take care of everyone else.

Giving has to be a win-win. To be sustainable, you need to be genuinely happy in the giving, and in the receiving. And yes, that can take a bit of reflection and growth. And this also doesn’t mean that you have to talk yourself into liking something you don’t like to do either. That’s still self-sacrifice.

What this does mean …

is that you give, because you genuinely love doing whatever you’re saving yes to. You’re not doing it to be liked, loved, safe, “nice”, to keep the peace, belong, or to be the “good” girl or boy. You’re saying yes to a request, or making choices based on what you genuinely love to do, for you too. Maybe you like spending time with this person. Maybe you really do love to organize a closet, take someone shopping, or make dinner most nights. And that means you have to know yourself well enough to know what that is. Spiritual practices, like Automatic Sacred Writing, self-reflection journaling, and of course, working with a mentor and guide, like yours truly, are of tremendous value.

A win-win means the request and what you genuinely want to do is a match. You cannot give, thinking you have to, or need to, while sacrificing your own desires and expect to be happy or fulfilled. And that’s not giving, it’s a survival mechanism learned long ago, that no longer serves someone who is being called to be more her soul-realized SELF.

Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t love someone or care. And it doesn’t mean you’re responsible for someone else’ disappointment either if you say no. You are not the source of anyone’s happiness or disappointment. Period. A no just means that right now, that request is not a fit for you.

Can you see that the energy of giving from self-sacrifice or survival is very different from the energy of giving when everyone wins? Giving from self-sacrifice will eventually lead to resentment, anger, not feeling seen, lower self-esteem, and feeling that you’re being taken advantage of. Can you see why knowing what you genuinely want is so important? Can you see that giving to yourself is essential for being SELF-realized

As my guides shared with me many years ago — “Your heartfelt dreams and desires are the language your soul. They call you forth to who You truly are.“And who YOU are is someone who gets to LOVE who she is. Who YOU are is someone who gets to choose what she truly loves.

You may want to give yourself a powerful gift, and acknowledge what you received from reading this. Then, ask yourself; what do I want to do with this for me?

Feel free to send me a private message here.

Much Love,
Elari

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Author, Life On Purpose Guide, and Spiritual Channel

Elari Onawa

Life On Purpose Guide & Author Of Just Believe: How Faith In Yourself Shifts Everything

I’ve been leading Life On Purpose and Self-Discovery programs since 2003. Prior to that, I led large organizations for 20+ years, helping them align with their dreams and goals. And then I said yes and followed my soul’s promptings. If you’re ready for more fulfillment and joy, if you want to embrace more of your higher aspects, and connect with the loving support that is available for you … I can help you have that! Take a powerful online program, or schedule your 1:1 session here.